Hurts, doesn't it....
DISCLAIMER: IF YOU'RE EASILY DEPRESSED OR SENSITIVE TO STORIES ABOUT ILLNESS AND DEATH DON'T READ THIS.
In my post about Loki's reliability I mentioned that I had had the ball dropped before, and that it was too personal of a story to share. Well, I can't keep all this in, so I'm just going to spill it.
I got lied to. Well, sort of. And I'm still suffering psychological impact from it. I wouldn't say it's PTSD, but more like just sleep, eating, and schoolwork issues. Yeah. I might fail tenth grade because of this.
And am I trying to make the party(s) in question feel guilty? No. Not really. But a part of me says yes. Make them feel it. If they could try to understand....
June 12th. Let me just pain the picture. My mother's had cancer for over a year, with treatment after treatment being a success, but ultimately spreading to the brain. Those are the trouble spots. And they keep showing up. June 12th. Routine scans. What I hear: "The trial's been working, but they can't do it anymore till we deal with the brain. But we'll deal with it; there's this new treatment and Dr. ____. is really optimistic about it." What they heard. "Without treatment she has three months to live. And we're running out of options. The only thing left is more chemo. But then, Doctor ______ is like, there's one more thing...."
A blatant half-truth. I didn't hear the three-months. I didn't hear that they were running out of options. I'd always heard that there were copious options to choose from. I was confident, that one day, something, just something, would work and kill it for good. Of course I was wrong, and I was probably an idiot not to see.
I remember talking to my godmother when I still thought everything was okay and she said some things that, in retrospective, I think she knew more than I, my parents' own daughter, knew. I can't believe it.
July 2nd. Almost three weeks later. That's when she went into the hospital for an infection. She'd already gone in for surgery, so we thought they were going ahead with the treatment...turns out they were working so fast that they had to start before they had sufficient results to even know if it would work....and when they took her in, things were worse....
Anyway, so, July 3rd. That's when I got picked up from my Godparents' by my dad. My mom was still in the hospital. We got in the car for an inconspicuous dinner at Denny's, and I pestered him about why we weren't planning to visit Grandma and leave someone to watch my mom for a weekend, like we'd been discussing, and he told me we were trying to get my 79-year-old, Alzheimer's suffering, barely walking grandmother (she didn't make up here anyway) on a five hour drive. That's when all hell broke loose, in a Denny's parking lot, and I demanded the truth. I was understandably shocked, as I would have been anytime. But the timing was key.
July 4th. Those much needed results come back and I'm just like "Wait, there's no more treatment? You idiots are giving up?????!!!!(They were POSITIVE nothing would help; LITTLE DID I KNOW!!!!!!)And the biggest question. "WHY THE F*CK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ON JUNE 12TH?!??!?!?!?!?!??! I COULD'VE HAD SOME TIME TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THAT SHE MIGHT DIE, BEFORE I WAS POSITIVE THAT SHE WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?????????? THIS WAS ALMOST A YEAR AGO AND I STILL CAN'T DEAL WITH IT!!!!!
I went from believing everything was A-okay to knowing my mom had two months (she actually had two weeks) in less than 24 hours. No wonder I've gone crazy. And the explanation??????? That they didn't want to ruin my birthday. WTF GUYS?????????????
WHAT AM IIIIIIIII?????!??!?!??!!!?!?!
IS IT MADNESS??? IS IT???!! IS IT?????!!!!!
OKAY, GOTTA CHECK OUT. YES I'M STILL INTERNALLY YELLING.
In my post about Loki's reliability I mentioned that I had had the ball dropped before, and that it was too personal of a story to share. Well, I can't keep all this in, so I'm just going to spill it.
I got lied to. Well, sort of. And I'm still suffering psychological impact from it. I wouldn't say it's PTSD, but more like just sleep, eating, and schoolwork issues. Yeah. I might fail tenth grade because of this.
And am I trying to make the party(s) in question feel guilty? No. Not really. But a part of me says yes. Make them feel it. If they could try to understand....
June 12th. Let me just pain the picture. My mother's had cancer for over a year, with treatment after treatment being a success, but ultimately spreading to the brain. Those are the trouble spots. And they keep showing up. June 12th. Routine scans. What I hear: "The trial's been working, but they can't do it anymore till we deal with the brain. But we'll deal with it; there's this new treatment and Dr. ____. is really optimistic about it." What they heard. "Without treatment she has three months to live. And we're running out of options. The only thing left is more chemo. But then, Doctor ______ is like, there's one more thing...."
A blatant half-truth. I didn't hear the three-months. I didn't hear that they were running out of options. I'd always heard that there were copious options to choose from. I was confident, that one day, something, just something, would work and kill it for good. Of course I was wrong, and I was probably an idiot not to see.
I remember talking to my godmother when I still thought everything was okay and she said some things that, in retrospective, I think she knew more than I, my parents' own daughter, knew. I can't believe it.
July 2nd. Almost three weeks later. That's when she went into the hospital for an infection. She'd already gone in for surgery, so we thought they were going ahead with the treatment...turns out they were working so fast that they had to start before they had sufficient results to even know if it would work....and when they took her in, things were worse....
Anyway, so, July 3rd. That's when I got picked up from my Godparents' by my dad. My mom was still in the hospital. We got in the car for an inconspicuous dinner at Denny's, and I pestered him about why we weren't planning to visit Grandma and leave someone to watch my mom for a weekend, like we'd been discussing, and he told me we were trying to get my 79-year-old, Alzheimer's suffering, barely walking grandmother (she didn't make up here anyway) on a five hour drive. That's when all hell broke loose, in a Denny's parking lot, and I demanded the truth. I was understandably shocked, as I would have been anytime. But the timing was key.
July 4th. Those much needed results come back and I'm just like "Wait, there's no more treatment? You idiots are giving up?????!!!!(They were POSITIVE nothing would help; LITTLE DID I KNOW!!!!!!)And the biggest question. "WHY THE F*CK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ON JUNE 12TH?!??!?!?!?!?!??! I COULD'VE HAD SOME TIME TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THAT SHE MIGHT DIE, BEFORE I WAS POSITIVE THAT SHE WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?????????? THIS WAS ALMOST A YEAR AGO AND I STILL CAN'T DEAL WITH IT!!!!!
I went from believing everything was A-okay to knowing my mom had two months (she actually had two weeks) in less than 24 hours. No wonder I've gone crazy. And the explanation??????? That they didn't want to ruin my birthday. WTF GUYS?????????????
WHAT AM IIIIIIIII?????!??!?!??!!!?!?!
IS IT MADNESS??? IS IT???!! IS IT?????!!!!!
OKAY, GOTTA CHECK OUT. YES I'M STILL INTERNALLY YELLING.
I don't think relatability is an actual word and it keeps wanting me to say reliability lol. Loki may be relatable but NOT reliable xD!
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