Loki and Ingrid 28

My Fault

Many of the pages have been torn out entirely, while some of them are so stained and weathered that they are illegible, but it’s unmistakably the same book on Infinity Stones that I had got out of the library so long ago. The same book that Loki left his note and his riddle in. I slowly open it, to see he has added a new note to the front page.

Incorrigible; a little bit

Nervous, my

Goddess, a

Rose in winter

I’m not one to be messed with…but I have one

Desire.

L. Laufeyson

(What do you want???? Odinson? I’ll claim Frigga’s name before anything.)

I look up from the note, not sure whether to feel touched or confused, a feeling I get a lot from Loki. I pick up the pen and begin to write.

Laugh that lights a thousand fires

Out of your mind

Killer instinct; still

Irresistible

~Ingr—

“Irresistible? Is that a compliment? Or am I too much for you?”

          “Loki.”

          “Killer instinct—well that’s accurate…Out of my mind—I wouldn’t quiete say that, but I’m surprised you didn’t say ‘Odinson’, and thank you, I pride myself in the laugh.”

          “Do it again.”

          “Not on command, Ingrid.”

          “And that’s funny,” I laugh.

          “No, it isn’t.”

          “You said I was incorrigible!”

          “Sometimes.”

          “Well, I’ll admit I’m nervous, and I’m certainly not a goddess…”

          “Yes, you need to lose a few pounds and grow wings—”

          I give him The Look.

          “What?”

          “Anyway, I thought you liked winter, and that’s certainly true…What’s your desire? To win father’s approval? Because you didn’t handle that well!”

          “Yes, incorrigible,” he says under his breath, “And pathetic. Just let it go.”

          “I will when you have the courage to do the right thing.”

          “And what is that?”

          “I’m not quite sure yet.”

          “Do you just want to figure it out and get back to me?” says Loki, irritably, “I’ll go.”

          “No,” I whisper, “Please stay.”

          “Are you sure you aren’t mad?”

          “That’s what love is. You can’t have love without anger and cold-blooded hatred. Yes, I’m mad. But if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t care what you did.”

          “I said I did the wrong thing.”

          “Oh, really? When did you say that?”

          “When I told of Ragnarok.”

          “Right, that,” I say, paling slightly at the memory.

          “Preventable. I’m more concerned about Thanos.”

          “Me too. But nothing is going to happen.”

          “But what if it does? Queen of Asgard?”

          “This isn’t binding.” I whisper, “We didn’t get married.”

          “What do you want me to do, make a blood oath?”

          “No! No blood please.” I can’t help but think of Loki’s little games in the cell. And Calder….

          “Fine. If you’ll just sign this….”

          “It’s a book. It will get lost,” I tell him, taking the pen, “But you have to sign and mean it. That you won’t give me over to Thanos for anything….”

          “Of course not! Are you mad?”

          “I would go, of course.”

          “No, I wouldn’t let you.”

          “Anything for you.”

          “Sign it.”

          I inhale deeply and sign. “Now you.” I can’t stop thinking about Calder, and what I did. “I just realized I don’t deserve you.”

          “Really? Have you seen me?”

          “Nobody’s perfect.”

          “True. But I’m a special kind of mess.”

          “Don’t worry.  I punched my brother in the face. And the problem is, I feel horrible about it.”

          “You have to learn to stand up to your family without feeling guilt.”

          “And you need to learn how to forgive people!”

          “Stop. Who knows what could happen. I don’t want to waste time arguing with you.”

          “No,” I nod, “Me neither. It’s late. Let’s get some sleep.”

---

“No, Ingrid! No! Don’t! NOVA!”

          “Shhhhh, it’s okay. It was just a dream.”

          “No!”

          “Shhhh. I’m right here.”

          “Ingrid?”

          “Yeah?”

          “What happened?”

          “You just had a bad dream.”

          “That’s nothing new. This happens every night, I wake up like this, sweating and yelling for them to stop…it’s always you or Thor or mother…someone…and it’s always my fault. It’s all my fault, Ingrid!”

          “Shh. It’s not your fault. You’re fine. Nothing happened, it was just a dream.”

          “I fear sleep.”

          “Why didn’t you tell me you were having these dreams? You told Sif, when I was in the haze…”

          “My fault, Ingrid. I am a failure!”

          “No, of course not. But why didn’t you tell me?”

          “I—I didn’t want you to know my weakness.”

          “You know I won’t judge you.”

          “I thought I knew you…then everything happened on Jotunheim….”

          “Maybe you get angrier in your natural environment?”

          “My fault. It’s all my fault…”

          “Shh. Nothing is your fault. It’s fine. You resisted Thanos much longer than I ever could, even in your ill state. I’m surprised you didn’t crack sooner.”

          “No, I should have held on, I caused so much damage on Midgard—I’d rather die than go back to Thanos. He was inside my head…”

          “I know.”

          “If Thanos gets us again…”

          “I already know. We can’t give up the stones for anything.”

          “No, you have to promise me to get away.”

          “I can’t promise anything. I can’t leave you alone with him!”

          “I might tell…if he tortures me again, I don’t think I can hold out. If he gets us both again…”

          “No. Nothing is going to happen.”

          “You’ll have to do as I say. I’d rather die than tell…”

          “No, Loki. Nothing is going to happen.”

          “If I tell you to kill me…”

          “No, Loki, what are you talking about?”

          “I can’t give him the stones! And YOU TOLD SIF!”

          “Shhhh. Sif’s right.”

          “I can’t let anything happen to her…”

          “Sif will be fine. You’ll be fine. We’ll all be fine.”

          “No.”

          “How do you know? Are you some sort of psychic?”

          “I just know. I have a bad feeling.”

          “It’s fine. I promise.”

          “I know you think so, Ingrid, but it’s not fine. Nova tortured you…”

          “I know. It’s over now.”

          “Can we stop lying to ourselves? It will never be over.”

          “Stop it.”

          “Tell me, how did it feel when Nova tortured you? To kill you?”

          “The worst pain I had ever experienced…like I was being electrocuted by a million boiling knives, and I had to see my worst memories. The kind of pain where I couldn’t breathe.”

          “Thanos did that to me.”

          “How did you…?”

          “No, yours was worse, they were trying to kill you…and if anyone ever touches my Ingrid again…”

          “No. It’s fine.”

          “For the millionth time, it’s not fine!” says Loki, with an edge to his voice, “Stop saying that! You don’t know what I went through having to watch you…”

          “I saw you.”

          “I thought Thor would never come back…I felt a sense of abandonment, like the last person I loved was being slowly killed before my eyes…how is that fine?”

          “It’s over now. I’m fine. I don’t feel any pain. That was a long time ago, Loki.”

          “I wanted Nova to burn…but I always felt her, there was more going on…and when the world finally gave her an opportunity, I couldn’t save her…”

          “It’s not your fault.”

          “Ingrid, how is any of this fine?”

          “I want you to relax and let it go; that’s what I had to do to push the memories out of my head.”

          “I wish I could, Ingrid, believe me. But I can’t. So, let me remember. Let me hurt. I’m sick of being numb. Closing myself off from the world…I’m sick of it.”

          “I’m sorry.”

          “Stop trying to make it fine! It will never be fine! You need to let me not be fine—after everything, how can you really?”

          “I’m sorry. I don’t want to remember it. I don’t want you to remember…”

          “I can’t forget it.”

          “But I want you to.”

          “What if something happened to you, Ingrid?”

          “It won’t.”

          “Don’t say that. Promise me, you’d run and leave me.”

          “I could never do that.”

          “You have to promise.”

          “I…I can’t.”

          “Can you try.”

          “Okay…I can try.”

          “I’ve had dreams since I was young, even before anything happened…that I was king, and that bad things happened to Father and Mother and Thor…it was always my fault. Not that I care what I did to Father…he deserved it, but Mother and Thor…I told them to take the stairs!”

          “It’s not your fault!”

          “Stop saying that! If I hadn’t been in the cell, if I hadn’t done things on Midgard…if I hadn’t listened to Thanos….”

          “Then you would have been dead too. And what good would that do?”

          “No, I could have saved her!”

          “Thanos would have killed you!”

          “If I never fell from the bridge…”

          “Stop.”

          “I miss them—Mother, Thor, even Lyd…and it’s my fault.”

          “Give Thor some time. He’ll always come back to Asgard in the end.”

          “As will I.”

          “Yes. That’s good. Asgard is your home.”

          “And it’s not because of Father. It’s because of you…”

          “Stop it.”

          Loki gets up and starts pacing, vigorously, “No! I won’t stop it! Can you make me love Father? Can you make me make it fine? Can you? Can you?” He flings himself into the wall, hitting it harder and harder, getting closer to my mirror, which is miraculously intact.

          “Stop it, Loki! There’s been enough fights in my room for the day…”

          “No!” The mirror shatter into a million pieces, “No matter what, I won’t take it out on you again!”

          “Just my things?”

          “That’s the problem, isn’t it? That you can’t stop me from being Loki. And Loki destroys things. Loki is destructive. Loki hates his father. Loki has killed more people than he can count!”

          “No, Loki! You have to stop NOW!”

          In slow motion, the dresser begins to fall, and the vase atop it hits the floor, shattering outward into an array of broken green glass. I always loved green glass. That vase was from my mother and I knew he would… “GET OUT! NOW!”

          Loki looks at me, then looks at the vase.

          “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANT TO ME!”

          “Meant more than Loki? I don’t blame you…” his voice is barely above a whisper, as he surveys his surroundings.

          “No. Of course not. You don’t have to go…”

          “Do you want me to clean it up?”

          “No. Just come here.”

          “No, I have to clean up!” he is yelling again, kicking the dresser angrily, once, twice, three times…everything is destroyed. Loki takes another look at the destruction and utters two words, in a daze. “My…. fault…”

          “No, it’s not—”

          “HOW IS THIS NOT MY FAULT?” he collapses to the floor.

          “Loki….”

          “Ingrid….!”

          “Loki.” I reach out my hand. “Get up.”

         

          He shakes his head.

          “Then I’ll come to you.” If Loki can disregard the glass than I can. I gingerly lower myself to the floor and wrap my arms around him.

          “I have to…”

          “No. It’s fine. I’ll clean it later.”

          “My fault!”

          “Shhh,” I whisper, holding him close, “So, Loki makes mistakes.”

          “…Honesty…keep going….”

          “Bit guess what?”

          Loki nods.

          “So, does Ingrid. And I made a big one on Jotunheim. I’m sorry.”

          “No. I did. You were just being honest.”

          “We both did. And if you can accept that, then maybe we can just move on from our little argument. Life is too short for these arguments.”

          “Yeah. But Loki isn’t good at moving on.”

          “But he’ll try his best for Ingrid.” It’s not a question.

          “Of course, he will. If Ingrid promises what she said she would never do.”

          “I promise,” I whisper, even though I know deep in my heart I cannot be asked to keep it.