Loki and Ingrid 45

Not Safe

Cold. I feel cold. Why is the ground so cold? Am I back on Jotunheim? I don’t even know where I am anymore, all I know is that the little stability, any sort of world I had left has come crashing down. Literally. Doesn’t look like this landslide is subsiding. Maybe I’ll get buried under it. Maybe I don’t think I care anymore. What the hell happened? I don’t even know…I can’t process, can’t breathe, can’t think.

          “Ingrid!”

          I hear a voice coming from a ways off as I try to keep my head. Loki? What is he doing, I wonder? Probably looking for me. I feel like I wandered. Just ran. Couldn’t think anymore. Just ran. And ran.

          “Ingrid!”

          Should I call back? He’s probably worried. I suddenly realize that my throat is parched, and I can’t talk. So thirsty.

          “Ingrid! Come out, are you hiding from me?”

          A few more rocks dislodge above me.

          “Oh, there you are, Ingrid, where were you?”

          He must have snuck up behind me. I sigh.

          “Ingrid. What are you doing here? I said to stay at the camp!”

          “Loki, what happened?”

          “What do you mean what happened?”

          “I think I ran away.”

          “Why did you run away. Come on, I don’t trust this landslide.”

***

“I still can’t believe it.”

          “Neither can I, Ingrid. The weird thing is, he didn’t have to. I was going to send you two—”

          “Maybe he was trying to medicate the risk?” As it rolls of my tongue, I know it’s a stupid question.  But why? I don’t understand anything.

          “If anything, it’s my fault. We don’t have to talk anymore. I can get you a ship, hire a pilot, can’t be too many units. I can get you to a safe system. I understand if you never want to talk to me again, and being around me is very dangerous. You aren’t well. It’s my fault, that I was too weak to do the magic to transport all three of us—I should have just tried it, but…that’s not important. What I’m saying, is I understand if you’re mad. But I’m not going to let you get hurt—”
          “I’m not hiding. And I’m not mad.” I’m not. It’s not his fault. He was tortured by Gadalia. And who am I to guess how much strength teleportation magic takes? All I know is I don’t travel well. “It’s my fault for not traveling better and holding on longer. I’m so bad at it I’m sorry.”

          “You just got stabbed, honestly I’m surprised you—”

          “Thanks.” I’m numb. I don’t even know.

          “Ingrid, I’ve seen things.”

          “Thanos’ weakness, I hope.”

          “Ingrid, remember how I said—”

          “Did you find a ship?”

          “Yeah. We’ll go there after I explain this to you—try to make contact with the others.”

          “And Canute.” The words feel so cold and strange coming off my tongue. “We have to—”

          Loki nods. “Remember how I told you I used to see bad things happening to mother and father and Thor? And that my being king would bring about bad things. They weren’t just dreams. They were visions. I saw what happened to mother. When it came true, I nearly went mad. I didn’t know what to do, that I had seen the future and failed to prevent it. I didn’t even tell you. I thought they were just dreams but—and Ragnarok? I see Hela emerging from the ashes…”

          “Ashes?”

          “Father.”

          “Thor will be the one to defeat her.”   

          “What?”

          “And defeated she must be. She is too strong once Odin is dead.”

          “Bring Odin back to Asgard then, since we can’t—”

          “Asgard isn’t safe.”

          “He’s going to die on Midgard.”

          “His death is inevitable, now. He is very old. And my mother—”

          “So, you’re just going to leave him?”

          “Hela can’t go to Asgard. She’ll be too strong. Unless Thor can find a way.”

          “And?”

          “Thanos won’t strike until Odin is dead.”

          “What?”

          “He’s waiting for the right time.”

          “Oh.”

          “Is it just Odin?”

          “No. Hela. Ego. The Ancient One. But mainly Odin.”

          “Who?”      

          “Don’t worry about it. All very powerful beings. If they’re gone, Thanos may have a chance. And that’s what I’m afraid of.”       

          “Can we not talk about this right now? No offense, just…”

          “What I’m saying, is I see three more years at the most. And you need to be safe.”

          “I’m not hiding, don’t be ridiculous.”

          “It’s my fault, I let Calder die.”

          “You didn’t.” None of it feels real. It is the only way. No, Ingrid, just—

          “We can’t go to Asgard.”

          “I—”

          “It’s dangerous for any of you to associate with Thor and I. It’s too dangerous. Stay as far away as—”

          “You’re crazy.”     

          “You’re crazy if you want to stay with me. It is too much of a risk.”

          “I—” I always go back. “Just go. Leave me here.”

          “Ingrid?—Ingrid!”

          I am running now, running away, I don’t know where or for how long. It takes me a few minutes before I realize that Loki isn’t following me.

***

I don’t think I can do this anymore. I can’t run, I can’t go back. It’s not for my safety. It’s not that. It’s that it’s destroying me. I can’t do it anymore. The words keep swirling around in my head, and I don’t want them to. But I know it’s true. Calder was right. Calder was always right. Why was I so foolish? I don’t understand what was wrong with me. Not about them, about them all being monsters, but he was right that I was foolish to go back to him. It’s so conflicted. So, what if he can’t live without me, that’s on him. I can’t drag my feet anymore. This isn’t working. It wasn’t his fault of course it wasn’t, just…the emotional demands have been too much for me. I’m not even talking about the physical pain I’ve gone through being tied up with him and Thanos, although I don’t know how long I can do that either. I feel weak. I close my eyes. I could just stay in this cave forever and never come out. I’m not royalty. I have no obligation to be queen. Asgard isn’t my home anymore. I have no right to it. I—I never belonged anywhere. I just. I just want to lie down on this cave floor. I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I should be dead anyway. I should have just let go, or learned to travel. Fate hasn’t been kind. Why does anything happen? Why do I even care? Calder wasn’t nice to me, and he was a monster to Loki and Lyd…Lyd. Oh dear. Where are they? Lyd and Sif. Not them, too. Not them, please, not them!

***

“Ingrid?”

          “Go away.” I’ve been prepared for this. I knew he would inevitably come looking for me.

          “I don’t want to talk; this isn’t working.” I said it. “We can’t be together.”

          “And we won’t be, but I need you to come, I know a hiding place. I found a ship and I’ll get you to a safe system.”

          “There won’t be any safe systems if we don’t do something about this.” All of this is Thanos fault, it was silly of me to blame myself and be so—and yet I just can’t think that way. “I said I want to fight him. You won’t protect me because I’m a woman. I’ll fight Thanos, come time. But in the meantime, I don’t want to see your face here again, so go.” The words linger in the air. I so badly want to say it. Calder was right. It’s bubbling up. No. That’s not true. He wasn’t right about Loki. Maybe he was. I don’t know. All I know is I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want him to leave because I don’t care. I don’t want him to leave because I’m in danger. I don’t want him to leave because I think it’s his fault. I want him to leave because it hurts too much if he stays. I’m weak, and I will always go back to him no matter what happens, what side he is on. I have no resolve, no willpower.

          “I’m not going anywhere until I make sure you’re safe.”

          “Stop being overprotective! I don’t need you!” I’m dangerously close to crying. I do need him. Desperately. Especially now, on this lonely planet without my friends and what little family I have left. But I don’t want to need him.

          “Just wait, in a few minutes you’ll tell me you didn’t mean it. So, which is it? Do you love me or not?”

          “I don’t need this right now.”

          “We’re wasting time.”

          “Let me get you to a safe system. I have to go back to Asgard.”

          “No.”

          “It’s not safe for you.”

          “It isn’t safe for you either.” I’m a mess. I can’t imagine what would happen if he died and I couldn’t do anything, because I was hiding out on some stupid planet. I’m trying to keep my composure and let him think I’m fine on my own. If I show vulnerability, he’ll worry about me.

          “I think I signed up for that the moment I refused to assist in Thanos’ plan. Come on.”

          “Okay. I’ll go to the ship with you. Only so I can try to communicate with Canute and Colby. Then we need to regroup and try to find the others. But I’m not going to sit and do nothing. Either I stay with you, or if you dump me on some planet, it’s over, and I’ll be a bad bitch and destroy Thanos by myself. Come on.”

          I start run-walking to the ship, Loki trailing behind. My thoughts are racing. Through my thoughts I can hear Loki muttering to himself, “How is she thinking logically?” And I wonder that myself.