Loki and Ingrid 46

Intuition

I should have just let go. The thoughts keep creeping in. It feels like it’s my fault. I hate myself for this. If only I could travel! I can’t do this. We’re sitting at the round table in the center of the small spaceship Loki found, in silence. It’s painful. I know what I have to do, but I don’t think I can do it.

          “I’m sorry.” I say. He probably thinks I don’t mean it. I try to convince myself I don’t care.

          “It’s not your fault.” Of course, that’s what I want to hear right now. And I know it. But I didn’t think about Loki. I didn’t think about how he must feel responsible for his magic failing to accommodate three people after everything that happened. He feels responsible. I know it. It’s strange. It’s almost like I know it without knowing. It almost feels like I’m reading his mind. That’s strange. He’s done it with me more times than I’m necessarily comfortable with, but still. It’s strange. I just know.

          “Loki? Do you believe in intuition?”

          “More like truth when it comes to me. I see things, and—”

          “Can ordinary girls read minds?”

          “Mind reading and intuition are two different things, Ingrid. Don’t give yourself too much credit.”

          “I’m sorry. It’s not your fault either.”

          “What?”

          “You said—”

          “I didn’t say anything.”

          “I told you.”

          “You do understand me, Ingrid. Strange.”

          “I don’t know magic, except for the time I—” I’m starting to realize this isn’t a good time to talk about those dark days in the dungeons.

          “We should make contact.”

          “I’ve lost all means of contact with Lyd and Sif. Their readings are silent.”

          “Oh, no.”

          “They can do well for themselves. I’d know if something happened.” It sounds like he is trying to convince himself.

          “We’ll try later.” I want to ask him to try Thor. If he could. But I know he can’t. Not now. Not ready. I know what I have to do but that doesn’t make it any easier.

          “I’ll do the talking, Ingrid.”

          I don’t know how they’ll take it coming from him, after what happened.

          “It’ll be fine. I’ll explain everything.”

          I’m not sure if I want him to.

          “We should do it.”

          I nod. I don’t think I can talk.

          The screen above the ship’s controls flashes to life at the press of a button, and I see Loki punch the code for Asgard nobility, class A.

          Canute appears on the screen now. It looks like he hasn’t slept. I realize, he’s probably worried about me. And all the pain is just more real.

          “Loki? Where are you? Is Ingrid??”

          “Ingrid is with me. On Vanaheim.”

          “So, she’s safe?”

          “Yes.”

          “What are you doing on Vanaheim?”

          “I had to find a safe system, fast. I’m a wanted man. It’s unfortunate that Ingrid has chosen to stay with me. It’s not safe. I offered her safety, but she refuses. I’ve seen things…”

          Not now, I think, get it over with it.

          “Maybe I shouldn’t detail it now. You’re safe for another odd year. I’ll be back long before then to deal with it. And Thor should be back by then. It’s his time.”

          “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Can you and Ingrid come back?”

          “No. It isn’t safe for us.”

          “Oh.”

          “We got attacked.”

          “Oh.”

          “They’re after Thor and I. And Ingrid, because she’s with me. And she knows too much. They want information on infinity stones, more than that, they want to use us, or kill us if we don’t submit. Thanos and I have history. I worked for him against my will on Midgard. I killed his daughter.”

          Canute nods. “We’re in a bit of a pinch without you two right now, so, maybe save your confessionalism for another day?”

          “Calder tried to kill me earlier.”

          Canute is silent.

          “But Ingrid tried to save me. He stabbed her by accident. Only saved by my healing magic.”

          “I don’t want to turn them against each other. Also, where is he?”

          Silence. “It’s complicated. He never liked me—or my sister Lyd—always blamed the Frost Giants for everything—rightfully so.”

          “What’s your point, Loki?” Canute is getting irritable. This isn’t good.

          “Let me finish. I was tortured—well Ingrid and I—”

          “Is she ok?”

          “Yes, it’s happened before.”

          Canute seems to be at a loss for words. And I start to realize just how regular this whole ordeal is. It’s sickening.

          “As long as she’s safe now.”

          “I can’t guarantee anything. We could get jumped by more bounty hunters now.”

          “Be careful.”

          “Let me finish.”

          “Where’s Calder? What happened?”

          “I had to do a certain kind of travelling magic with five people, myself included, not long ago, to get out of a situation. They were literally holding onto Ingrid as hard as they could. I was very weak. It’s a miracle she made it back.”

          Canute holds up his finger as if to interrupt, but Loki continues, “They tracked us. And after I used the healing magic on Ingrid, after that, I was even more weakened. Ingrid doesn’t travel well. I had to take Lyd, Calder, Sif and Ingrid along with me to do another quick-travel. But it didn’t go so on. The bounty hunters held on. It was too much and I was losing fast. I sent Sif and Lyd through, but one of the bounty hunters followed them. I haven’t been able to make contact. Their readings are dead.”

          Canute looks concerned about Sif, and wanting to interrupt, but Loki continues.

          “Then it was Ingrid, Calder, and I. She was slipping. I couldn’t hold onto her in my weakened state. I was about to send Calder and Ingrid through with the last of my strength, but. Calder chose to let go. Vanaheim was the first safe destination for Ingrid and I. I know not where we are going, but somewhere far away to regroup. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I have no excuse for my poor magic, and neither does Ingrid. He saved us.”

          Loki sits back down at the table as Canute bows his head in silence.

          I know it’s my fault, not his. I should have just let go sooner and let the others through. Maybe I’m a waste of space. What have I done to help? I feel like a tagalong. Only here because Loki needed someone to talk to.

          “It’s not your fault.”      

Of course, he had to say it. Something inside me wants to scream in primal release...I can’t do this.

          “Is Ingrid there?”

          Under the table, I think, hiding. Like always. Ingrid is a coward. Ingrid never know what she’s doing. Always running, always hiding. Maybe Loki is right, maybe I do need to wait this out.

          “Yes.”

          I motion to my armband screen, asking for the projection so I don’t have to move. “I’ll give you a moment alone.”

          Thank you, I want to say. I’m not sure if I’m capable of talking, even now, even still. My throat feels like there’s a giant block of thick, Asgardian cheese stuck in it, and I can’t breathe.

          “Ingrid?”

          I nod. I can’t talk. I can’t come home. I wish I could come home. I—

          “I’m sorry, Ingrid. There isn’t anything you could have done.”

          “There wasn’t anything either of us could have done.” I hear Calder’s voice in my head and I want to scream. I feel like I can’t do this.

          I nod. Deep down I know it’s true. It’s not my fault or Loki’s. But I can’t understand why he did it. It feels easier to blame myself.

          “He was doing his duty as royal guard.”

          “But I’m not royalty,” I rasp, barely above a whisper, “I’m just a waste of space.”

          “No, Ingrid. You’re nobility by birth, royalty by marriage.”

          I want to say something. I’m surprised that he acknowledges a Frost Giant as royalty. If Canute could come around on them why couldn’t Calder? Or did he? R was he just doing it for me? No, that can’t be true. If he only cared about me, he would have let Loki send us through. I don’t understand. It’s all so confusing. “My queen.” I feel like I can’t breathe again.

          “You aren’t a waste of space, Ingrid.”

          “All I ever do is get people in trouble. And tag along. And let things happen to me.”

          “You’ll have your moment. The people love you.”

          “I can’t go back. It’s not safe for Asgard. Or Loki.”

          “I know.”

          “What about the throne?”

          “Don’t worry about that, Ingrid.”

          “I—”

          “Don’t worry about it.”

          “He said he was sorry.” I whisper, “He said to tell Lyd he was sorry…he said it was the only way—”

          “He did the right thing.”

          “I know he did. I—”

          I can’t do this anymore. I fumble for the off-switch on my wristband. I feel like the entire world is ending. Just. I want to punch something. Or someone. Nothing is right anymore.

          Nothing…

***

“Ingrid.” I don’t dare to open my eyes. “I’m so sorry, Ingrid.”

          “You aren’t sorry, Calder was a monster to you. You have no reason to be sorry—” I don’t know why I’m so angry but I am.

          “That doesn’t matter now.”

          “Yes—it, it does—”

          “He did it for both of us. If he didn’t care he’d have let me send you.”

          “I should have let go—I’m—I’m a mess! I’m waste of space!”

          “Ingrid…”

          “I! —”

          I can’t breathe anymore or think. “I can’t—I can’t breathe.”

          “Try to breathe, Ingrid.”

          “I—”

          Yes, he said those awful, awful things about the Frost Giants. Yes, he tried to kill Loki and almost killed me. All the dirty looks, all the mockery…all the catcalls. All in good fun he’d say. He always loved to have fun. He loved grapes. A little too much. Now I’m thinking of the story Loki told about Thor and the grapes. He was the one who tried to comfort me when our parents—he was the one who’d save an extra piece of cake for me at the table…check on me in the night when I was young…all those other things…they feel like they don’t matter. He was my brother. Family. When that was so important to me.

          “I understand. I despise Thor, but he’s my brother. If anything happened to him, I’d—”

          “Stop.” I say. Stop trying to understand. But I know he understands. I know it. Somehow.

          The anger is gone. I just feel numb. And tired. Very tired. “Stay with me, Loki.” I whisper to the dark.

          “I’m right here.”